The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay
by cbstevp
Summary: The continuing literal saga of the Deathly Hallows. Intended as parody and for laughs.
1. Chapter 1

**The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 1**

This is how I envisioned the movie from a literal standpoint. By the way INT. – interior scenes; EXT. – exterior scenes; O.S. -out of shot; V.O. – voice over

FADE IN:

EXT. ISLAND IN A LAKE – NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES opens MICHAEL GAMBON'S grave and steals the Most Powerful Wand in the World.

RALPH FIENNES

It's mine! All mine! Hahahahah!

(pause)

Wait. We shot this scene already, for Part 1. What? Again? Okay, but I want double time for this scene.

He holds up the wand and makes night become day.

EXT. THE BIG CASTLE THAT IS NOW A SCHOOL – DAY

ALAN RICKMAN stands watch over MANY EXTRAS PLAYING STUDENTS as they march into the school like so many ranks of stormtroopers.

EXT. BEACH CLIFF – DAY

DANIEL RADCLIFFE sits by the grave of CGI ANNOYING HOUSE ELF. On his grave maker its says "Here Lies a Very Annoying CGI Character Who Only Got a Little Bit of Screen Time – Thank God"

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I'm sorry you had to derazz CGI Annoying House Elf. I made you a grave even though you are now in that great CGI server in the sky and never really existed in the first place.

INT. HOUSE BY THE BEACH, KITCHEN – DAY

RUPERT GRINT, EMMA WATSON, BRENDAN GLEESON's SON, CLEMENCE POESY, and EVANNA LYNCH sit around a table talking while having a drink.

RUPERT GRINT

And then this bitch carves up Emma's arm! That wasn't in the book!

EMMA WATSON

It hurt like hell, too. But you guys saved me.

EVANNA LYNCH

Too bad CGI Annoying House Elf died.

CLEMENCE POESY

I never met 'im. Was 'e really annoying?

RUPERT GRINT

Not as much as your French accent.

BRENDAN GLEESON's SON smacks RUPERT.

BRENDAN GLEESON's SON

Hey! That's my wife you're talking to brother!

RUPERT GRINT

She's not your wife in real life and I'm not your brother!

CLEMENCE POESY

No bouillabaisse for you!

RUPERT GRINT  
>Good, it tastes like fish anyways.<p>

EMMA WATSON

Be nice Rup or no late night shag for you, either.

BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON

(shocked)

You two? Really?

EMMA WATSON

(sighing)

Why does everyone find that so surprising?

EVANNA LYNCH

I think it's sweet. But the world will crucify you if they find out.

EMMA WATSON

(glum)

Especially the British press. They're just awful!

RUPERT GRINT

(shrugs)  
>I can live with it.<p>

BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON

Can we get back to important stuff? Like why you all have been hiding for so long and suddenly show up here.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE (O.S.)

None of your damn business. Rupert, Emma, we have to go talk to WARWICK DAVIS and JOHN HURT.

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

WARWICK DAVIS is sitting in a chair struggling to put a set of false teeth in.

RUPERT GRINT

What gives with the teeth?

WARWICK DAVIS

Oh, I was just off playing the Tiny Charms Professor in the Big Battle and then they told me to hurry here for this scene and they barely had time to do my make-up.

EMMA WATSON

Running you ragged too, are they?

WARWICK DAVIS

Actually it was a scene we had to re-shoot. Your stunt double was in it the first time because you were off being a silly school girl in America while this billion dollar franchise accommodated your academic ambitions. It was obviously not you in the scene so they had to redo it without you since time did not permit.

EMMA WATSON

(angry)

Without me! Where's my agent?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Never mind all that. I just want to know what the shagging situation was like in America.

RUPERT GRINT

She didn't shag anyone in America! Did you?

EMMA WATSON

Rup…we weren't together then so…

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell!

EMMA WATSON

Oh, as if you never shagged anyone before me!

WARWICK DAVIS

I knew you two don't work together.

RUPERT and EMMA

Shut it!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Right. So, Warwick, we need some help. We need to get into Helena Bonham Carter's vault at your bank.

WARWICK DAVIS

(laughing)

Not bloody likely. Unless you pay.

RUPERT GRINT

Little git! I knew you couldn't trust him to help us when the whole world is at stake.

WARWICK DAVIS

You know how much I get paid? Not the millions of pounds you three got that's for sure! And I played two characters!

EMMA WATSON

What do you want?

WARWICK DAVIS

That sword you've got.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That is the Sword that One of the Founder's of the Big Castle that is Now a School made and it belongs to The Big Castle that is Now a School.

WARWICK DAVIS

How did you get it? Did you steal it?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It came to us in a moment of need.

WARWICK DAVIS

What?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Well, there was this CGI Silver Doe and I followed it to a lake and saw the sword under the ice and so I dove in but I almost drown. Then Rupert saved my life, used the sword to destroy…

EMMA WATSON

(warning tone)

Daniel! Don't mention that!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh right! We shouldn't mention that to you since He Was in the English Patient doesn't know what we are doing yet. Anyway, so Rupert…did something…and now the sword is ours.

WARWICK DAVIS

Lovely tale. But I still want it.

RUPERT GRINT

No way!

WARWICK DAVIS

Fine! See if you can get in the bank without me.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Okay, we'll give you the sword…

RUPERT GRINT

Are you mental?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

…after you get us in.

WARWICK DAVIS

(pause)

Deal.

EXT. HALLWAY - DAY

EMMA WATSON

(to Daniel)

You think one of the rest of the things that He Who Was in the English Patient hid the bits of his soul in is in that bank?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yeah. Helena Bonham Carter was worried about the Sword of One of the Founder's of the Big Castle that is Now a School. She thought it was in her vault and so when she saw we had it she thought someone was in her vault at the Bank the Small Actors in Makeup Run.

RUPERT GRINT

I bet one of the things we need to destroy is hidden in there!

EMMA WATSON

That's what I just said! And look! I've just found a hair of Helena Bonham Carter on my jacket so I can make Polyjuice potion and turn into her and fool everyone!

RUPERT GRINT

That was convenient!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

And brilliant! Now we just need to have a chat with John Hurt about some unnecessary stuff that anyone who hasn't read the books won't understand.

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM – SAME DAY, A FEW MINUTES LATER

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT talk to JOHN HURT, who is sitting in a chair.

EMMA WATSON

Feeling better?

JOHN HURT

Bit. Nice shot of scotch would help.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Later. I've got some questions for you first. What do you know about the Three Things That Will Make You More Powerful than Anyone Else?

JOHN HURT

In the book I know nothing but I suddenly seem to have some information thanks to Steve Kloves. There are three things: The Most Powerful Wand in the World, the Stone That Makes You See Dead People, and the Cloak That Hides You.

RUPERT GRINT

Hey, Dan! You've got a Cloak That Hides You.

EMMA WATSON

Of course! Dan's Cloak That Hides You must be the one in the legend!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That makes sense. And He Who Was in the English Patient has the Most Powerful Wand in the World.

JOHN HURT

He Who Was…? Oh, I understand. Does he really have the wand?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Don't play innocent with us! I saw you tell him how to find the man who told him who had stolen it from him years ago and then he found him in a tower and he told him it was in his grave and now he has it!

JOHN HURT

Which 'he' has the wand now?

EMMA WATSON

He Who Was in the English Patient! Didn't you see Part 1?

JOHN HURT

Actually I never see any of my performances. Just take the money and run.

DANIEL shows JOHN two wands.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Who owns these?

JOHN HURT

(touching wands)

Helena Bonham Carter owns this one and Tom Felton owns the other. How did you get them?

RUPERT GRINT

Had a duel and took them off of them. Dan pulled Tom's wand…

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Did not!

RUPERT GRINT

…out of his hand. Jeeze, you're touchy about your boyfriend.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

He's not my boyfriend!

EMMA WATSON

The more you deny it the less we believe you.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Let's just get going! We've got to kill He Who Was in the English Patient!

EXT. BEACH CLIFF – DAY

RUPERT, DANIEL, AND WARWICK stand around. RUPERT now has a beard and mustache.

WARWICK DAVIS

That get up won't fool anyone, Grint. And neither will Watson looking like…ahhhh, its Helena Bonham Carter!

RUPERT and DANIEL turn around quick, wands outs, as WARWICK laughs.

EMMA/HELENA comes towards them.

EMMA/HELENA

How do I look?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sexy.

RUPERT punches his arm.

RUPERT GRINT

I told you to quit making a play for her. And I thought you had a thing for Felton?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Shut it. I really have a thing for older women.

EMMA/HELENA

(to Rupert)

And I told you I have a thing for you and I am all yours.

RUPERT GRINT

(grinning, strutting)

Yeah…

(to Daniel)

See? So bugger off!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Ah...first we have a movie to make.

RUPERT GRINT

Oh, right.

EXT. SIDE ALLEY WAY, DIAGON ALLEY – DAY

The four of them appear in the alley way.

EMMA/HELENA

Wait, hide, someone is coming!

EXTRA PLAYING A DEATH EATER

Good morning Madam Bonham Carter.

EMMA/HELENA

(cheery)

Morning!

The EXTRA PLAYING A DEATH EATER gives her an odd look and moves on.

WARWICK DAVIS

Morning! You're an evil psychopath, not some cheery school girl!

EMMA/HELENA

Oh, right. Sorry.

WARWICK DAVIS

Sorry? Oh, nevermind! Let's go to the bank.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Okay, Warwick get up on my back and we'll hide under the Cloak That Hides You.

WARWICK DAVIS

Hides me? Or hides you?

EMMA/HELENA

(impatient)

Both of you! Rup, do it!

WARWICK climbs on Daniel's back and RUPERT throws the cloak over them and they disappear.

DANIEL RADCILFFE (O.S.)

Quit digging your nails in me!

WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)  
>Stop squirming! Your nothing but skin and bones, nowhere to grab onto!<p>

RUPERT GRINT

I bet he'd let you grab on somewhere.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE (O.S.)

Would not! He's a…a… midget!

WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)

Little person, moron! And for your information I'm married. To a woman! Let's get on with this scene, please!

INT. BANK RUN BY THE SMALL ACTORS IN MAKE UP – DAY

Many SMALL ACTORS IN MAKEUP are behind high counters, working on documents, counting money. EMMA/HELENA and RUPERT enter. They approach one of the SMALL ACTORS, JOHN KEY.

EMMA/HELENA

Hey you! I want to get into my vault!

WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)

(quiet)

That's more like her.

JOHN KEY

Why Madam Bonham Carter. Good-day. May I see your wand for identification?

EMMA/HELENA

Don't you know who I am! Don't you know who I am sleeping with!

WARWICK DAVIS (O.S.)

Too much!

RUPERT GRINT

(aside)  
>You're sleeping with me!<p>

EMMA/HELENA

(aside)  
>No. I mean He Who Was in the English Patient.<p>

RUPERT GRINT

Oh! Ewwww! Old Snake Face and you? I mean her.

JOHN KEY looks suspicious and EXTRAS PLAYING GUARDS start approaching.

RUPERT GRINT

(aside, whispering)

They know it's not her! Dan! Do something!

Under the Cloak That Hides You DANIEL raises his wand and hits JOHN KEY with a spell. JOHN KEY'S face goes slack.

JOHN KEY

Of course, you want to see your vault, right this way.

INT. UNDERGROUND ROLLER COASTER

DANIEL, RUPERT, EMMA/HELENA, WARWICK, and JOHN KEY are on a cart that rides a rail system like a roller coaster.

RUPERT GRINT

I bet this looks good in 3D.

EMMA/HELENA

It's so overrated.

They hear a ROAR from below.

RUPERT GRINT

What the bloody hell was that?

WARWICK DAVIS

My stomach. I hated that French one's cooking.

RUPERT GRINT

With you there, mate.

Then they see a waterfall and go through it. After the water hits them all the spells they have on them are erased. RUPERT and EMMA look like themselves again and JOHN KEY is no longer stupefied.

Then the cart stops and they get dipped out of it and start falling hundreds of feet.

RUPERT GRINT

We're going to die!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Don't be silly. Emma will think of something. Or at least JKR and Steve Kloves will think of something. Besides, we don't die, I read the end of the book.

RUPERT GRINT

SPOILERS!

EMMA WATSON

But why is it always me?

RUPERT GRINT

Because you've got the brains, I make the jokes, and Dan just stands there looking like a specky geek.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I actually don't wear glasses in real life.

WARWICK DAVIS

Thankfully this is a long fall so you three can argue. Now do something!

EMMA casts a spell and they are all saved inches from a stone floor. As they get up, EMMA'S cleavage is very prominent in her wet costume. DANIEL and WARWICK stare at her.

EMMA WATSON

What?

WARWICK and DANIEL

Nice.

RUPERT GRINT

(angry)

Someone's looking for a smack. Eyes front!

JOHN KEY is also staring and is not longer stupefied. Suddenly he realizes where they are.

JOHN KEY

Thieves!

He gets hit with the spell again and shuts up. Then they see a massive CGI ALBINO DRAGON chained to the floor. They pick up some things and shake them, making a loud rattle and the dragon cowers in fear and they get past it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I wish I had these clanking things in the fourth movie when I fought the dragon!

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah, I guess JKR hadn't thought of it then. I bet Robbie Coltrane would like this CGI Albino Dragon.

EMMA WATSON

Come on you two. Here's Helena Bonham Carter's vault.

RUPERT GRINT

Wonder if Tim Burton keeps his stuff in here, too.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Who?

EMMA WATSON

(eyes rolling)

Her husband. He's not in this movie. Focus guys, please! I've got to get this scene done today so I can go back to America for my spring exams.

JOHN KEY places his hand on the door and it opens.

INT. VAULT

Inside it is filled with many cups and plates and other beautiful stuff.

WARWICK DAVIS

So…what do you want?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Don't know.

WARWICK DAVIS

What do you mean you don't know? You dragged us down here for nothing! That's it. Where's my agent!

RUPERT GRINT

Patience, short stuff.

WARWICK DAVIS

Why you..!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wait! That's it, up there. I feel it.

EMMA WATSON

What do mean you feel it? That's not in the book.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No, but there was a whole lot of exposition in Book 6 that was cut from the movie so we have to make this silly way for me to recognize and find the things with bits of his soul in it.

Suddenly EMMA bumps into some cups and they begin to multiply. Soon lots of things multiply and they are swimming in cups and other things. Daniel gets the Cup With a Bit of He Who Was in the English Patient's Soul in It.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Got it!

WARWICK DAVIS

And I got the sword! Thanks, and go bugger yourselves! Come on John, let's lock them in!

RUPERT GRINT

Little blighter!

But the multiplying cups and things prevent the door from closing and the three heroes get out. Then MANY EXTRAS PLAYING GUARDS start blasting them with spells, none of which hit them, conveniently, and they jump on the CGI Albino Dragon's back and fly up through the bank and into the sky and far away.

EXT. LAKE – DAY

The CGI Albino Dragon flies over a lake.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Time to jump!

EMMA WATSON

It looks freezing!

RUPERT GRINT

Come on!

They jump and then as they hit the water in his head DANIEL sees what RALPH FIENNES is up to.

INT. BANK THE SMALL ACTORS IN MAKEUP RUN – DAY

RALPH is blasting MANY EXTRAS PLAYING GUARDS and SMALL ACTORS IN MAKEUP and killing them. He finds WARWICK DAVIS with the sword and confronts him in scene that should have been in the movie.

RALPH FIENNES

Warwick! Tell me what were they doing here?

WARWICK DAVIS

Nothing ! Just doing some banking!

RALPH FIENNES

Don't lie to me, Warwick! Ralph Fiennes always knows when you are lying! What did they take?

WARWICK DAVIS

A small cup from Helena Bonham Carter's vault.

RALPH FIENNES

NAYYYYYYYYYAAAHHHHH!

Then he kills WARWICK and the sword Warwick has disappears. After David Yates says 'cut' WARWICK gets up, goes off to the make up trailer and gets ready for his second role.

EXT. LAKESIDE - DAY

DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA climb out of the water soaking wet and freezing.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

He knows! He Who Was in the English Patient knows we are hunting for the things with bits of his soul in them.

EMMA WATSON

How does he know?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Warwick told him!

RUPERT GRINT

Evil little git! We should have killed him!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Not to worry, he's dead now. At least until the battle scene where he plays another character. Oh, and another thing, I think a thing with a bit of his soul is up at the Big Castle That is Now a School. It has something to do with the Founder of the Big Castle That's Now a School Who was Smarter Than the Rest.

RUPERT GRINT

Who?

EMMA WATSON

That's the house I should have been in except JKR made me smart and brave and I guess I could have been in either house but then maybe I would never have been friends with you two and the whole story would have been quite different.

RUPERT GRINT

Oh. Now I understand. I think.

EMMA WATSON

Nevermind. How are we going to get in there? We have to make a plan.

RUPERT GRINT

Plan later. Now I'm freezing. Get some dry clothes out of that bag that has no bottom will you.

DANIEL and RUPERT start to get out of their wet clothes, both looking very pasty white. DANIEL stares at RUPERT.

RUPERT GRINT

What?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Er…nothing. Just…you're so pale and sleek and fine and…

EMMA WATSON

Lay off! He's mine!

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah, half pint. Don't you ever give up?

(to Emma)

Am I really that pale?

EMMA WATSON

You're a ginger, what do you expect?

DANIEL and RUPERT change and then stare at EMMA.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Your turn.

RUPERT GRINT

(to Daniel)

Which team do you play for anyway? Staring at me, staring at her, after Felton, what gives?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>Well, if you must know, the truth is I play for both teams. I think I said that in Part 1 anyways. So, Emma, aren't you a bit cold?<p>

EMMA WATSON

I think I will just wrap this blanket around me.

EXT. FOGGY VILLAGE STREET – NIGHT

The trio appears in the midst of a foggy street in The Village Near the Big Castle That is Now a School. Suddenly there is a WAILING noise and many EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS come out looking for them.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I forgot about that alarm part in the book.

EMMA WATSON

What do we do?

CIARAN HINDS (O.S.)

Get in here! Quick!

They run into a building then into a room.

INT. ROOM - NIGHT

RUPERT GRINT

Hey, you look like Michael Gambon.

EMMA WATSON

You're Michael Gambon's brother!

CIARAN HINDS

Aye. At least for the next few minutes.

He gets some drinks and food for them. EMMA and RUPERT eat but DANIEL just sits there.

Then he notices a broken mirror on the wall and takes out his shard of glass from Part 1.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It's you we've seen in my shard of glass. How did you get this mirror?

CIARAN HINDS

Andy Linden gave it to me after he took it from Gary Oldman's house. That was explained in Book 5 but Kloves didn't know it was important for book and movie 7 and JKR forgot to tell them.

EMMA WATSON

Kloves didn't write the screenplay for film 5.

CIARAN HINDS

Oh, right. Anyway, I heard you asking for help and I sent CGI Annoying House Elf to help you. Where is he?

RUPERT GRINT

Derazzed. Helena Bonham Carter erased his program.

CIARAN HINDS

Too bad. I liked him, when he wasn't being annoying.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Look, we need to get into the Big Castle That is Now a School.

CIARAN HINDS

Not bloody likely. There's Spooky Scary Things and Death Eaters guarding it.

EMMA WATSON

It's important we get in.

CIARAN HINDS

Best you lot get going somewhere else, some foreign land like America, and hide the rest of your lives so He Who Was in Schindler's List doesn't find you.

RUPERT GRINT

We've been using the English Patient. But we're too famous in America, everyone knows us.

CIARAN HINDS

Japan?

EMMA WATSON

Even worse. Quite creepy actually.

CIARAN HINDS

Any place you three aren't famous?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Maybe some New Guinea highland tribe. But look, that doesn't matter since we are not hiding. Michael Gambon gave us a job to finish.

CIARAN HINDS  
>Nice job? Told you where to start and how to do it and all of the things you needed to know about it and how to get it done and all that?<p>

EMMA WATSON

Not exactly. I mean, a lot of it was in Book 6, but they cut it.

CIARAN HINDS

Aye. That was Kloves, wasn't it?

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

We are trying to find and destroy the Things With Bits of He Who Was in the English Patient's Soul in Them.

CIARAN HINDS

Oh, you mean Horcruxes.

EMMA WATSON

What?

CIARAN HINDS

I read about them in book 6. And Jim Broadbent was in my pub and had too much and went on about how sorry he was for babbling to He Who Was in Schin…the English Patient about Horcruxes.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

There's one more in the Big Castle That is Now a School. We need to get in.

CIARAN HINDS

It's your death you're going to.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

At least we are still fighting and not giving up.

CIARAN HINDS

Giving up? I'm not giving up, just staying safe. And do you trust Michael Gambon? Don't. Secrets and lies is all my brother was ever good at and I bet you don't know half the story and will only find out the rest when it's too late. But if you want to get into the Big Castle that is Now a School I'll help you.

He looks at the Big Portrait With a Blond Girl and she smiles and turns around and walks away.

EMMA WATSON

Isn't that your sister?

CIARAN HINDS

What? No, my sister is at least 50. She's just some extra they picked for the part and did some CGI to her.

RUPERT GRINT

Wait. She's coming back, someone is with her.

The portrait swings open and MATTHEW LEWIS is standing there.

MATTHEW LEWIS

About time your three showed up. Now its time for the Big Battle at the Big Castle That is Now a School in Which A Lot of People Die but We Don't Get Overly Sentimental About them Dieing and I Turn Out to be a Big Hero and Fall For Evanna Lynch Even Though I Never Do That In the Books!

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell! We've got to find a way to make saying these things easier!

PART 2 of Part 2 coming soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 2**

Continuing where Part 2 Part 1 left off, of course, just after Matthew Lewis comes out of the tunnel into Ciaran Hinds' pub.

INT. TUNNEL

MATTHEW LEWIS, DANIEL RADCLIFFE, EMMA WATSON, and RUPERT GRINT walk down a long dark tunnel.

RUPERT GRINT

Where the bloody hell does this go to?

MATTHEW LEWIS

To the Room That Can Be Anything. We've been hiding out in there cause the new lot running things are giving us hell every day.

EMMA WATSON

You mean Alan Rickman?

MATTHEW LEWIS

No, he's never around except for his scenes. The other two, EXTRAS PLAYING BAD BROTHER AND SISTER, two ugly gits. Got us playing pranks on first time child extras.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

They'll pay for that!

MATTHEW LEWIS

Not likely after you three took all the money in your salaries. Here we are.

They come to the end of the tunnel and MATTHEW opens another portrait into the Room That Can Be Anything.

INT. THE ROOM THAT CAN BE ANYTHING

DEVON MURRAY, ALFIE ENOCH, JESSIE CAVE, KATIE LEUNG, EVANNA LYNCH and a bunch of others whose name I can't remember and are not important are in the room.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Look who I found!

DEVON MURRAY

Daniel! Rupert! Emma! About bloody time you lot showed up. I've been sitting on me arse for weeks waiting for this scene!

They all start hugging each other and laughing and then RUPERT sees EVANNA.

RUPERT GRINT

How did you get here? You were at the House by the Sea!

EVANNA LYNCH

I know but Yates told me to be here because of some important exposition I need to deliver, so we'll just pretend like it's no big deal that I am here now even though I was a prisoner and escaped from the bad guys once already.

RUPERT GRINT

(confused)  
>Oh. Okay.<p>

EMMA sees JESSIE CAVE, RUPERT'S girlfriend from movie 6.

EMMA WATSON

(cold)

Hello, Jessie.

JESSIE CAVE

(colder)

Hello, Emma. So…been on the road with Rupert, have you?

EMMA WATSON

Yes. And it was wonderful.

JESSIE CAVE

Was it? Did you two…you know?

EMMA WATSON

(smug)

We certainly did. Many times. And it was fantastic!

DEVON MURRAY

(to Rupert, aside)

Good one, mate. She's a right looker, she is.

JESSIE CAVE

He did it with me first though!

EMMA WATSON

(livid)

Liar! Rupert!

RUPERT GRINT

(awkward)  
>Well, ah…it…was…you didn't tell me how you felt so…you shagged some bloke in America too!<p>

JESSIE CAVE

Told you so!

JESSIE then sticks her tongue out at EMMA. EMMA flips her the bird, two fingered like they do in merry old England.

EMMA WATSON

Tramp!

JESSIE CAVE

Slut!

EMMA screams and then grabs JESSIE by the hair and they start fighting.

ALFIE ENOCH

Girl fight!

DANIEL and RUPERT pull them apart.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That's not in the script or the book! We've got more important things to do.

EMMA and JESSIE stand there glowering at each other.

DEVON MURRAY

So, what's the plan, Dan.

ALFIE ENOCH

'Plan Dan'. It rhymes. Good one.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

We have to find something and it has to do with The House With The Smart People and its Founder.

EVANNA LYNCH

Well, there is her TIARA THAT'S BEEN LOST FOR CENTURIES.

KATIE LEUNG

But it's been lost. No one alive has seen it.

RUPERT GRINT

Excuse me, what's a bloody tiara?

KATIE LEUNG

It's like a diadem.

RUPERT GRINT

Got it. Like a small crown.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Where is it supposed to be at?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Don't know.

DEVON MURRAY

It ain't much to go on but I'm sure you lot will figure it out while all of us fight and die to give you time to get over your stupidity for coming here in the first place.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Er…thanks?

Just then BONNIE WRIGHT shows up.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Daniel!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>(uninterested)<p>

Oh, hey.

RUPERT nudges him.

RUPERT GRINT

You're supposed to be in love with her.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, right.

(to Bonnie)

Hello, luv. Alright?

BONNIE WRIGHT

Ah, yeah. So, Alan Rickman knows you were in the Village Near the Big Castle That is Now a School.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?

DEVON MURRAY

The jig is up!

RUPERT GRINT

(looking at Emma)

What are we going to do?

EMMA WATSON

(furious)

Why ask me? Why don't you ask your first girlfriend?

RUPERT GRINT

Because you got the brains and I love you, not her!

EMMA WATSON

(beaming)

Really?

RUPERT GRINT

Really.

EMMA WATSON

Me, too!

They run into each others arms and hug and snog while JESSIE cries and everyone just stands there and waits.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Ahem.

DEVON MURRAY

Get a room already.

INT. BIG DINING ROOM IN THE BIG CASTLE THAT IS NOW A SCHOOL – NIGHT

All the students are in ranks like soldiers. ALAN RICKMAN stands in front of them with the TWO EXTRAS PLAYING BAD BROTHER AND SISTER behind him. MAGGIE SMITH and JIM BROADBENT are by the students.

ALAN RICKMAN

(speaking normally)

Tonight…Daniel…Radcliffe…was…seen…near…the …school. If…anyone…has…knowledge…of….his…movements…come ...forth…...now.

No one moves. Then someone pushes DANIEL out into the middle of the hall. He seems asleep.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>(yawning)<p>

Sorry, Alan. Speech was too long. Ah…so…AHA! Here I am you sniveling piece of turd. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! And your security seems a little lax.

The doors open and EMMA WATSON, RUPERT GRINT, GEORGE HARRIS, MATTHEW LEWIS, JULIE WALTERS, MARK WILLIAMS, BONNIE WRIGHT, DAVID THWELIS, NATALIA TENA, CLEMANCEY POESY, BRENDAN GLEESON'S SON, OLIVER PHELPS, JAMES PHELPS, and CHRIS RANKIN stand there. Seems like an awful lot of them are gingers.

OLIVER PHELPS

(to Chris Rankin)

Where the bloody hell have you been the last few movies?

CHRIS RANKIN

They gave me no dialogue in film 5 and cut me out of six and seven part 1 altogether.

JAMES PHELPS

That's rough mate. Glad to have you back, even though your character is a prat.

OLIVER PHELPS

And you still don't get any dialogue.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Done catching up fellows? Okay?

(turns to Alan Rickman)

How dare you stand in this Big Dining Hall where Richard Harris and Michael Gambon once stood! Tell them how you killed Michael Gambon in movie 6!

ALAN RICKMAN pulls out his wand and everyone jumps back. Then MAGGIE SMITH comes forward and confronts ALAN RICKMAN. They duel and then the TWO EXTRAS PLAYING BAD BROTHER AND SISTER get zapped and we don't know if they are dead or just out of it and suddenly ALAN RICKMAN turns into a big black cloud of smoke and smashes a window and escapes.

MAGGIE SMITH

I've always wanted to do that spell!

JIM BROADBENT

Ah, Maggie that line is later.

MAGGIE SMITH

I don't care. They cut me from Part 1 so I am doing what I damn well please this time! Radcliffe! What do you need?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Time. I have to find something but I don't know what it looks like or where it is. I'm following Michael Gambon's instructions.

MAGGIE SMITH

Good enough for me.

Suddenly RALPH FIENNES voice booms over everything.

RALPH FIENNES (V.O.)

I KNOW DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS IN THERE. GIVE HIM TO ME AND YOU CAN ALL HAVE MILK AND COOKIES AND GO BACK TO BED. YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.

RUPERT GRINT

Milk and cookies? That sounds good.

EMMA smacks him and glares at him.

RUPERT GRINT

What? I'm hungry!

SCARLETT BYRNE

There's Daniel Radcliffe! Somebody grab him and we can all have milk and cookies and go back to bed!

BONNIE WRIGHT pulls out her wand and zaps SCARLETT BYRNE unconscious.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Stay away from my man, you bitch!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sweet!

JULIE WALTERS

(to Bonnie)

That's my line! Sort of.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Sorry, Mum. I just hate her. She pulled my hair when we in class in one of the earlier movies.

DAVID BRADLEY

Students are out of bed!

MAGGIE SMITH

Of course they are. We are about to have a big battle and many of them will die.

DAVID BRADLEY

I want overtime if you expect me to clean up after!

EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS – NIGHT

MAGGIE SMITH and many others walk out the doors. MAGGIE turns to MATTHEW.

MAGGIE SMITH

Blow up the bridge.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Which bridge? There's the wooden one that's been in most of the movies and then there is the stone one we've had glimpses of in the past but now is there between the NEW CLIFF and THE BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD.

MAGGIE SMITH

The wooden one. We'll leave the other one intact so those enemies that can't fly can get into the school and can give us a proper old battle.

MATTHEW LEWIS

How do I do it?

MAGGIE SMITH

Call the special effects department, of course. Devon is on good terms with them after getting blown up in almost every movie.

DEVON MURRAY

Come on, Matt. It'll be grand!

They run off. Now JULIE WALTERS and WARWICK DAVIS stand by MAGGIE SMITH.

MAGGIE SMITH

(surprised)

Warwick! I thought you were killed off earlier.

WARWICK DAVIS

That was my other character, the evil money grubbing goblin. Now I play the diminutive but powerful charms professor.

JULIE WATERS

I hope they paid you double.

WARWICK DAVIS

Not much left after You-Know-Who got paid.

JULIE WALTERS

You mean Ralph Fiennes?

WARWICK DAVIS

No. I mean Radcliffe, Watson, and Grint. Half the budget went on their salaries.

MAGGIE SMITH

They are the stars. Oh, well. Now to work.

MAGGIE speaks a bunch of Latin words and a lot of CGI STONE KNIGHTS come out of the stonework and start marching for the stone bridge.

JULIE WALTERS

Now it's time for your funny line.

MAGGIE SMITH

I said it already. The fun is all gone. Okay, let's make a Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light surrounding the school that can only be broken with lots of magic.

A bunch of professors get out their wands and make a Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light.

EXT. NEW CLIFF – NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES, HELENA BONHAM CARTER, JASON ISSACS, HELEN MCCRORY, and many EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS stand and watch as the Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light covers the school.

EXTRA PLAYING A DEATH EATER

My Lord, we should attack before it is complete.

RALPH FIENNES

No, no, no! I said one hour and I always keep my word, don't I? Didn't I say to so and so I would kill him if he crossed me? Well, he crossed me and now he is dead! I always keep my word! What kind of evil lord would I be if no one could trust me? And who's got the milk and cookies? Everything must be perfect for when they surrender.

INT. BIG LONG STAIRCASE – NIGHT

Many EXTRAS PLAYING STUDENTS run around with no purpose as DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT come up the stairs.

EMMA WATSON

Dan! Wait! What's the good of finding the Tiara That's Been Lost for Centuries if we can't destroy it?

RUPERT GRINT

That little git Warwick took the sword we used to destroy the locket.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

We have to find another way.

RUPERT GRINT

Wait! You destroyed The Diary That Makes No Sense in movie 2 with the Big Snake Fang.

EMMA WATSON

That's right! I bet there are more of those fangs in the Dark Cavern Under the Big Castle That is Now a School!

RUPERT GRINT

We'll go destroy the Cup With A Bit of He Who was In the …

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You can say his name now. He knows we are here and he is going to try to kill us.

RUPERT GRINT

Oh, right. So this Cup With…Ralph Fiennes Bit of Soul In It, we'll destroy it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Good. But take The Map That Fills in Many Plot Holes with you so you know where I am and it won't look stupid when you suddenly appear and rescue me.

DANIEL hands over the map and then runs up the stairs. EVANNA LYNCH follows him.

EVANNA LYNCH

Daniel Radcliffe you stop and listen to me!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Okay.

EVANNA LYNCH

You have to go find KELLY MACDONALD's ghost. She knows where the tiara is. It belonged to her mother.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Kelly McDonald? I thought Kate Winslet got the part.

EVANNA LYNCH

No, she turned it down. Won her Oscar and now she is too good for a little role in our big movie which is going to break all box office records on its opening weekend.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Think so?

EVANNA LYNCH

Hope so.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That would be fantastic. Okay, I'll go find Kelly MacDonald.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

The ghost of KELLY MACDONALD floats through the halls.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Are you Kelly MacDonald?

KELLY MACDONALD

Yes. But call me Kelly please. You're looking for my mother's Tiara That Was Lost For Centuries.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Yes, Kelly. I want to destroy it.

KELLY MACDONALD

Another boy came many years ago and said the same thing except he was lying. He filled it with Dark Magic!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I know. I need to destroy it to destroy him.

KELLY MACDONALD

You will find it in the Place Where Things Are Hidden.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?

KELLY MACDONALD

It's a room, where people have hidden things for centuries.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

In this castle?

KELLY MACDONALD

(impatient)  
>Yes, you nitwit! God, you are much slower than he was. Actually, you have seen the tiara in book six. When you hid that Book That Made You Smarter than Emma.<p>

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, you mean when I kissed Bonnie for the first time. There was no tiara.

KELLY MACDONALD

No, no, no! That was the movie. In the book. Think!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh. I know! That's where Tom and I hid and…we…nevermind!

KELLY MACDONALD

What did you and Tom do?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Got to go. Thanks!

INT. DARK CAVERN ENTRANCE

RUPERT and EMMA stand before a big door with many snakes on it.

RUPERT GRINT

Hissy, wissy, wussy, woo, open for me like you did for that specky geek Radcliffe!

EMMA WATSON

Rup, I don't think…

But then the snakes start moving and the door opens.

RUPERT GRINT

Dan talks in his sleep sometimes. So I heard the beginning part and just added on the ending for fun.

EMMA WATSON

(rolling eyes)

Oh, that makes sense.

(under breath)

Kloves is an idiot!

INT. DARK CAVERN

It's all green and has water everywhere. The bones of the BIG SNAKE from movie 2 are at the end.

RUPERT GRINT

What the hell is all the green?

EMMA WATSON

Green screen for the CGI they will add later. Come on.

They climb down and RUPERT goes to the Big Snake and gets a fang.

RUPERT gives it to EMMA.

RUPERT GRINT

You haven't destroyed one yet. Your turn.

EMMA WATSON

You do it. I can't.

RUPERT GRINT

No bloody way! Last time I did it…it was awful!

EMMA WATSON

What happened?

RUPERT GRINT

You and Dan came out of it and he tried to kiss you but you didn't let him.

EMMA WATSON

That's not so bad.

RUPERT GRINT

Was worse in the book. Let's do this.

EMMA takes the Cup out of her bag with no bottom and places it on the floor. She raises the Big Snake Fang and hits it. It goes spinning away, lots of water rises up they get soaking wet and then look at each other and grab each other and have THE KISS EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING TEN YEARS FOR.

DAVID YATES (O.S.)

Wonderful! Cut!

(pause)

Cut!...I said cut! Rupert! Emma!

RUPERT GRINT

(muffled)

Bugger off.

Finally they break THE KISS and EMMA turns to YATES.

EMMA WATSON

(to Yates)

The fans want a long slow smooch, close up, showing lips touching, and sounds of smacking so don't screw this up in post-production!

DAVID YATES (O.S.)

No worries!

RUPERT GRINT

They will screw it up. I just got this feeling. And I know we are going to be talking about this KISS for the next two years until the movie comes out.

**End of part 2. Part 3 coming soon.**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 3**

Continuing the story, it is just after Rupert and Emma had their big kiss and the action continues elsewhere.

EXT. WOODEN BRIDGE – NIGHT

MATTHEW LEWIS stands on the end of the bridge looking toward the forest. Suddenly hordes of screaming EXTRAS PLAYING SNATCHERS led by NICK MORAN come running to the bridge. The first three hit the Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light and get fried and the rest stop.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Yeah? You and…no, I can't say it, it's too cheesy and makes no sense.

EXT. NEW CLIFF – NIGHT

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

My Lord, the scum Snatchers have stopped their attack. The Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light is too powerful.

RALPH FIENNES

Nothing is more powerful than me! I mean us! I mean, when we are all together being bad and evil. Oh, you know what I mean. ATTACK!

Hundreds of EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS launch CGI Balls of Light from their wands and they rain down on the Big Ass Bitching Dome of Light like an artillery barrage. Then RALPH FIENNES uses The Most Powerful Wand in the World on the Dome and it starts to crumble, but the wand also starts to crack.

RALPH FIENNES

(looking at wand)

What's this? That never happened when Richard Harris or Michael Gambon used it! John Hurt said it was The Most Powerful Wand in the World! He lied! I need to go think over a few things. Helena, send everyone in to attack and possibly get killed while I go have some me time.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Yes, my Lord.

RALPH FIENNES

Come, Big Snake.

Then RALPH FIENNES and his BIG SNAKE disappear in a flash.

EXT. WOODEN BRIDGE – NIGHT

NICK MORAN

I'll have yer guts fer garters when this Dome cracks!

MATTHEW LEWIS

Oh yeah!

NICK MORAN

Yeah!

MATTHEW LEWIS

I'm a shivering already.

NICK MORAN

Yeah!

MATTHEW LEWIS

Scaredy cat!

NICK MORAN

Oh, yeah!

MATTHEW LEWIS

There's a thesaurus up in the school. "Yeah" is under "y", as in "why" don't you have a bigger vocabulary! I'll wait.

NICK MORAN

Oh…Oh…yeah!

The Dome crumbles and then NICK MORAN and all the EXTRAS PLAYING SNATCHERS run after MATTHEW.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Well, come and get me!

MATTHEW runs away across the bridge, but then NICK MORAN stops and they all stop behind him.

NICK MORAN

Wait! What did the book say about this scene? Is it safe to cross the bridge?

AN EXTRA PLAYING A SNATCHER takes out book seven and thumbs through it quickly.

SNATCHER  
>Ah, er, it's not in the book! They made it up for the movie!<p>

NICK MORAN

Who's that kid?

SNATCHER

Don't know. Not one of the three heroes that's fer sure.

ANOTHER SNATCHER

I know him! That's Lewis! He's bin a coward most of the movies and books!

NICK MORAN

Alright. Must be safe. They wouldn't suddenly make a hero out of nobody, especially not when they built him up as a coward this whole time. That'd be breaking the rules of screenplay writing. CHARGE!

They all run across the bridge and it BLOWS UP and they fall to their deaths.

NICK MORAN

(screaming)

Kloves and Yates tricked ussssssss…(splat).

MATTHEW LEWIS

YEAH!

EXT. THE STONE BRIDGE – NIGHT

Hundreds of EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS and some CGI GIANTS attack the Stone Bridge where many CGI STONE KNIGHTS guard it. A wicked battle ensues in which you can barely make out exactly what is going on, especially in 3D.

Many EXPLOSIONS rock the Big Castle That is Now a School and many things get blown up and fall down. Lots of things happen and many people get hurt and some die and…well, just go see the movie when it comes out and you'll see for yourself.

INT. STAIRWAY – NIGHT

DANIEL runs into MATTHEW and BONNIE.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Where's Evanna? I want to snog her.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Wait. That's not in the books.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It's just a pathetic attempt at humor and romance.

MATTHEW LEWIS

I don't care. I get to kiss a girl! Whooppeee!

He runs off leaving DANIEL and BONNIE alone.

BONNIE WRIGHT

You're supposed to kiss me now.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

If I must.

They kiss and it looks embarrassingly amateurish compared to EMMA and RUPERT's kiss. BONNIE stares at DANIEL.

BONNIE WRIGHT

I know.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sorry? What do you know?

BONNIE WRIGHT

Your secret. The reason why you're a terrible kisser and you and I have no chemistry on screen.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Because you're a terrible actress?

BONNIE WRIGHT

NO! Because you love someone else. Tom Felton!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That's a lie! Tom and I are just friends.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Pathetic.

She walks away from him.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(shouting after her)

And you're a terrible kisser!

She turns back, eyes blazing.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Takes one to know one! Katie Leung warned me about you!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

She said I was a great kisser!

BONNIE WRIGHT  
>(smirking)<p>

They told her to tell you that!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>(shattered)<p>

Secrets and lies, everywhere secrets and lies! I need to go kill something. Or at least end this foolish scene.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

RUPERT and EMMA, both very wet and happy looking, walk and look at the Map That Fills In Many Plot Holes.

EMMA WATSON

(pointing to map)  
>Look! There's me and you.<p>

RUPERT GRINT

Oh cool. What happens to us on the Map when we snog?

They kiss and look at the Map at the same time.

EMMA WATSON

Oh, that was so awesome. It's like our names and footprints joined as one.

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah.

EMMA WATSON

(glum)

Well, guess we better find Daniel.

RUPERT GRINT

Do we have to? He's always after you. And now me, too!

EMMA WATSON

I know. Little pervert! But, he is the hero and we're the sidekicks so… Let's look. Ok. Oh, there he is…wait…he disappeared.

RUPERT GRINT

I bet he went into the Room That Can Be Anything. The Map doesn't show that room.

EMMA WATSON

That's highly logical. Why didn't I get that line?

RUPERT GRINT

Guess they wanted to make me look a little smarter so no one thinks it's foolish for us two to be a couple.

EMMA WATSON

Brilliant!

INT. PLACE WHERE THINGS ARE HIDDEN

DANIEL enters the Room That Can be Anything which is now the PLACE WHERE THINGS ARE HIDDEN. It's piled high with the junk of centuries. Of course, in just a few moments in the midst of all this junk he finds the Tiara That Has Been Lost for Centuries.

DANIEL has just pick up the tiara when he hears someone. It's TOM FELTON, JOSH HERDMAN, and LOUIS CORDICE.

TOM FELTON

Well, well, if it isn't Daniel Radcliffe, all alone.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hello, Tom, Josh, and…sorry, who are you?

LOUIS CORDICE

Louis. I was on the House With a Snake for a Symbol's Game That's Played on Broomsticks Team in movie 6.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, right. You were on the train, too. But…where's Jamie Waylett?

TOM FELTON

Got busted for possession so they kicked him off the movie.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Too bad. I wanted to see him die.

JOSH HERDMAN

Now I get to die. But you first!

TOM FELTON

Steady on, Josh. Lots of time for that. First, I want my wand back.

JOSH HERDMAN

He's got your wand? Whose do you got now?

TOM FELTON

My mother's.

JOSH and LOUIS start laughing.

JOSH HERDMAN

Your mother's? Bloody hell, Tom. And how did Radcliffe get yours?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I took it off him at his house the other night.

JOSH HERDMAN

You invited him over? You never invited me!

TOM FELTON

Not my type. I mean…he was our prisoner.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Speaking of which, you knew it was me. Why didn't you tell them?

TOM FELTON

He would have killed you.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Isn't that what you want?

TOM FELTON

How can you say that when you know how I feel? I mean…he's going to kill us! My whole family even if he wins. You're the only one who can stop him.

JOSH and LOUIS give TOM odd looks.

LOUIS CORDICE

What's he playing at?

JOSH HERDMAN

(mad)

I don't know but enough talk. WOBBLY LIGHTSABERS!

He shoots magic at DANIEL, who ducks and the tiara gets hit and goes flying up into some furniture.

EMMA WATSON (O.S.)

RAMARAMADINGDONG!

EMMA and RUPERT come running from behind some furniture. Magic flies out of her wand and knocks TOM's wand out of his hand.

TOM FELTON

Not again!

JOSH HERDMAN

ZOLTRON!

Magic flies at EMMA but she ducks.

RUPERT GRINT

(mad as hell)

THAT'S MY MAIN SQUEEZE, YOU SON OF A BITCH! BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!

Magic flies from his wand and then RUPERT charges after the other three screaming like a madman and they run from him.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Laying it on a bit thick, isn't he?

EMMA WATSON

(annoyed)

At least he doesn't have to act like he loves me. Speaking of which, where's Bonnie?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Who? Oh, right. Er, just saw her. She's fine. Had us a little snog, too. Boy, I hope Rupert doesn't hurt Tom.

EMMA just shakes her head and rolls her eyes.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Come on, help me find my tiara.

EMMA and DANIEL climb a bunch of furniture, fight off a hoard of expensive CGI PIXIES that serve no purpose, get the tiara back but then RUPERT comes screaming back toward them.

RUPERT GRINT

(yelling)

Josh set the bloody place on fire!

Big balls of CGI FIRE chase them all over the place until they find some brooms, jump on and fly away. JOSH falls into some fire and dies, and his face looks very odd and it's hard to tell it's really him. TOM and LOUIS have very little reaction to his death and then climb some furniture above the flames. DANIEL spots them on the furniture.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

TOM!

TOM FELTON

DAN! SAVE ME!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>I'M COMING, TOM!<p>

RUPERT GRINT  
>(to Emma)<p>

Bet he said that a lot to him. DAN! If we die saving your boyfriend I'm going to kill you even though it will ruin the rest of the movie!

They swoop in and save TOM and LOUIS and then all five of them fly out the doors and tumble off their brooms. RUPERT punches TOM and he hits the ground.

TOM FELTON

(whimpering)

What was that for?

RUPERT GRINT

Cause you're a snarky little git and it was in the book and should be in the movie, too!

TOM FELTON

(to Daniel)

Are you just going to let him hit me?

RUPERT GRINT

Hiding behind your man now, are you?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I told you he's not my boyfriend.

TOM FELTON

(in tears)

Liar! After all those times we spent in this room.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(embarrassed)

He's delusional!

EMMA and RUPERT and LOUIS

Yeah, right.

TOM FELTON

That's it! I'm going to hide for the rest of the battle!

He and LOUIS disappear in clouds of black smoke.

RUPERT GRINT

I thought you couldn't do that in the school.

EMMA WATSON

In this movie you can. Alan Rickman already did it earlier. Let's destroy that tiara.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

How?

RUPERT pulls out a bunch of Big Snake Fangs.

RUPERT GRINT

With these.

DANIEL takes one and smashes it into the tiara on the floor. A bunch of CGI smoke comes out of it and speaks in RALPH FIENNES voice.

RALPH FIENNES (V.O.)

Daniel Radcliffe! I know your heart. You and Tom are in lo…

But DANIEL kicks it into the flames of the Place Where Things Are Hidden and it is destroyed.

EMMA WATSON

What was he going to say?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Nothing. Let's go!

RUPERT GRINT

Wait! What's left? You destroyed the Diary That Makes No Sense in movie 2.

EMMA WATSON

And Michael Gambon destroyed the ring in movie 6. We got rid of the locket, the cup, and now the tiara. That's five. How many did he make?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Six, I think. The Big Snake has got to be the last one.

RUPERT GRINT

But it never leaves his side. We've got to find him. Dan, look into his head.

DANIEL closes his eyes and sees RALPH FIENNES in a BOATHOUSE NEVER MENTIONED IN BOOKS OR MOVIES and sees RALPH talking to JASON ISAACS.

INT. BOAT HOUSE NEVER MENTIONED IN THE BOOKS OR MOVIES – NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES talks to a simpering JASON ISAACS.

JASON ISAACS

My Lord. Why don't we call off the battle and find Radcliffe?

RALPH FIENNES

NO! And why haven't you been in the fight? Afraid?

JASON ISAACS

No, my Lord. You took my wand and it was destroyed by Radcliffe.

RALPH FIENNES

Oh yes, in Part 1. Why didn't the props department give you a new wand?

JASON ISAACS

Too busy making them for everyone else. I tried to buy a copy of mine on E-Bay but they wanted 500 pounds! Outrageous!

RALPH FIENNES

Yes, quite ridiculous the trade in movie memorabilia. As if these people had nothing better to do with their lives than sit around collecting things and writing foolish stories. But I quibble. This wand I took from Michael Gambon is supposed to be the Most Powerful Wand in the World, but something is wrong with it.

JASON ISAACS

Perhaps if you give it to me…

RALPH FIENNES

NO! You are pathetic. Wandless fool! How can you live with yourself!

JASON ISAACS

Wake up in the morning, remember I am just an actor, then go to makeup and hair and costume and here I am. The only trouble is the wig. It's quite heavy.

RALPH FIENNES

At least you get to keep your nose.

JASON ISAACS

About Radcliffe, my Lord. What should we do?

RALPH FIENNES

Nothing. Radcliffe will come to me when I want him, too. But I must be prepared. Bring Alan Rickman to me. Now.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The Big Snake is with Ralph Fiennes. He's in the boathouse.

EMMA WATSON

The what?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The boathouse. Do you know where it is?

RUPERT GRINT

There's no bloody boathouse at the school. You must mean the Most Haunted Building in All of Britain. That's where we go next in the book!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No, they changed it. There's a boathouse now.

RUPERT GRINT

I bet it's near the water.

EMMA looks like she wants to roll her eyes again but forces herself to stop.

EMMA WATSON

Brilliant. Now we just have to fight our way out of the school and almost get killed to get there.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Why don't we just flash away there like Tom did and all these flying piles of black smoke are doing?

EMMA WATSON

Less dramatic.

EXT. THE BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD – NIGHT

A massive battle rages between EXTRAS PLAYING STUDENTS, EXTRAS PLAYING DEATH EATERS, and two CGI GIANTS.

DANIEL, RUPERT, and EMMA dash across the battlefield, blocking spells, avoiding CGI Giants and CGI Spiders, blasting enemies, almost dying. They come across DAVID LEGENO biting JESSIE CAVE'S neck.

EMMA WATSON

Give her a good bite for me, too!

Then they move away as JESSIE gets killed. Then as they head outside the courtyard a hundred or so CGI SPOOKY SCAREY THINGS come floating across the Stone Bridge but CIARAN HIINDS blasts them with lots of CGI blue light and they get zapped and run away.

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT climb down a long set of stairs and head to the Boathouse Never Mentioned in the Books or Movies. They crouch down outside as RALPH FIENNES talks to ALAN RICKMAN.

INT. THE BOATHOUSE NEVER MENTIONED IN THE BOOKS OR MOVIES – NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES

Why does this wand continue to resist me and not do the badass powerful magic I want it to do?

ALAN RICKMAN

My…Lord…you…have …done…

RALPH FIENNES

(impatient)  
>Oh, for heaven's sake, Alan! Talk like a normal person, not some sinister cheap horror movie madman! That's my role in this movie!<p>

ALAN RICKMAN

Forgive me, my Lord. You have done wonderful magic with this wand. I don't see the problem. John Hurt said it is the Most Powerful Wand in the World.

RALPH FIENNES

Yes, but am I its rightful owner?

ALAN RICKMAN

Of course, my Lord. You took it from Michael Gambon.

RALPH FIENNES

But you killed him in movie 6! So now you must die!

ALAN RICKMAN

Wait!

RALPH FIENNES

Oh, for goodness sake, what is it now?

ALAN RICKMAN

Just need a moment to prepare…yes, I am ready. Kill me.

RALPH FIENNES slashes ALAN RICKMAN's throat with some magic and then his BIG SNAKE jabs at ALAN many times, striking him in his sensitive spots and drawing out lots of internal liquids, mostly red and white. Then RALPH and his BIG SNAKE disappear.

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT enter the Boathouse. ALAN is dying.

ALAN RICKMAN

Take my tears in a glass vial and go to the BOWL OF MEMORIES in Michael Gambon's office in the school and see my memories.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What will they tell me?

ALAN RICKMAN

All of the secrets things you need to know. Look at me. You have your mother's eyes…no, not really. Yours are blue and in the book hers are green and the young actress playing her in my memories has big brown eyes.

RUPERT GRINT

You'd think after all the money they spent on CGI they could have least gotten that part right.

EMMA WATSON

Rupert! Be more sensitive! He's dying!

RUPERT GRINT

He's been nothing but an evil git to us for seven movies. Sorry if I don't shed a tear, Alan.

ALAN RICKMAN

Understandable. Now I must die.

He dies. Suddenly RALPH FIENNES voice booms out.

RALPH FIENNES (V.O.)

I guess you don't want milk and cookies after all. Too bad. Now count your dead and take a break for a while because Daniel has to go look at Alan's memories. When you are done Daniel please join me in the forest where I will kill you, there's a good lad. Toodles for now.

**End of Part 3. Part 4 coming soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 4**

Continuing the story, it is just after Alan Rickman has died in the Boathouse Never Mentioned in the Movies or Books.

EXT. BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD – NIGHT

DANIEL RADCLIFFE, EMMA WATSON, and RUPERT GRINT walked across a very empty courtyard.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Where is everybody?

RUPERT GRINT

Gone home for the day, their scenes are over.

EMMA WATSON

Well, they should have at least left a dead CGI Spider or Giant so we at least know there was a battle here.

INT. BIG DINING HALL – NIGHT

They enter the Big Dining Hall and see many wounded and dead characters. Many ginger haired people stand around one dead person on the floor and RUPERT GRINT realizes its JAMES PHELPS.

RUPERT GRINT

James!

He breaks down and cries over his body. Then he nudges JAMES.

RUPERT GRINT

How am I doing?

JAMES PHELPS

(whispering)

I'm supposed to be dead.

RUPERT GRINT

Yeah, but is my grief believable?

JAMES PHELPS  
>(whispering)<p>

Can't tell, the scene is too short.

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody editors.

DANIEL looks around and sees that DAVID THWELIS and NATALIA TENA are dead also.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Sorry.

DAVID THWELIS

(whispering)

She you in the forest scene.

INT. MICHAEL GAMBON'S OFFICE - NIGHT

DANIEL enters the office alone. He takes the Bowl of Memories from a cabinet and puts it on a table. Then he dumps ALAN RICKMAN's tears into the bowl and puts his face in it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Uggghhh! Alan Rickman's tears! I guess it should be thankful it wasn't his snot.

EXT. FIELD – DAY

A GIRL PLAYING DANIEL's MOTHER and a GIRL PLAYING DANIEL'S AUNT are on a hill. The GIRL PLAYING DANIEL'S MOTHER picks up a flower and makes it grow bigger.

GIRL PLAYING DANIEL's MOTHER

Look what I can do!

GIRL PLAYING DANIEL's AUNT

(dismissive)

So what. It's just some cool CGI.

A BOY PLAYING THE YOUNG ALAN RICKMAN is nearby hiding in a big tree, spying on them like a little pervert. He steps out of the big tree and does some cool CGI things with a tree leaf.

BOY PLAYING YOUNG ALAN RICKMAN

(to Daniel's Aunt)

Bet you can't do cool CGI like we can.

GIRL PLAYING DANIEL's AUNT

Only freaks can do cool CGI. Nerds sitting in front of a computer all day. Freaks! Nerds!

She runs away.

GIRL PLAYING DANIEL's MOTHER

You shouldn't make her mad. She might cause trouble for my son in the future.

BOY PLAYING YOUNG ALAN RICKMAN

Don't worry. She won't physically hurt him, just shove him in a broom closet for ten years and treat him like shit.

GIRL PLAYING DANIEL'S MOTHER

But the mental scars!

BOY PLAYING YOUNG ALAN RICKMAN

He'll have other scars to worry about.

Then the scene changes. It shows DANIEL's MOTHER and YOUNG ALAN RICKMAN in a montage of their youth, going to the Big Castle That is Now a School, getting put in their houses by the OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT, meeting new people and so on. Then the scene changes again.

EXT. HILL – NIGHT

MICHAEL GAMBON stands on a hill with ALAN RICKMAN before him.

ALAN RICKMAN

Don't kill me!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Why should I kill you? Have you been a naughty boy, Alan?

ALAN RICKMAN

I told Ralph Fiennes about Emma Thompson's prophecy. He thinks it means Daniel Radcliffe is going to be a better actor than him in the future so he must kill him.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Oh, I shouldn't worry about that if I were him. I can see no Oscar nominations in Radcliffe's future. Not even a Tony even if he learns to sing and dance properly for a Broadway musical revival.

ALAN RICKMAN

But he believes it! He's going to kill the boy and anyone with him! Protect her! Protect Geraldine Summerville!

MICHAEL GAMBON

What about Adrian Rawlins?

ALAN RICKMAN

Who?

MICHAL GAMBON

The actor playing Daniel's father.

ALAN RICKMAN

Well, I suppose if you must.

The scene changes once again.

INT. HOUSE – NIGHT

ALAN RICKMAN discovers the dead bodies of ADRIAN RAWLINS and GERALDINE SUMMERVILLE. A SMALL BABY PLAYING DANIEL RADCLIFFE AS A BABY sits and bawls in a crib nearby. ALAN hugs GERALDINE's dead body.

ALAN RICKMAN

Oh, I hardly ever knew you! You were just a few pictures and few shadowy images in the movies! And you are so much younger than me! Why did I have to fall in love! The anguish!

DAVID YATES (O.S.)

Cut! Ah, Alan…can you dial it back a notch or two.

ALAN RICKMAN

(angry)

Look, if you ever want this series to get an Oscar let me do my thing!

The scene changes again. There sure were a lot of memories in those tears.

INT. MICHAEL GAMBON's OFFICE – NIGHT

ALAN RICKMAN

You promised to protect them!

MICHAEL GAMBON

They put their trust in Timothy Spall. He told Ralph Fiennes where to find them.

ALAN RICKMAN

That rat faced worm! Why did he betray them?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Ralph promised him a role in a movie he is going to direct. That matters not now. What is done is done. We must now protect Daniel from Ralph Fiennes when he returns to power in book 4.

ALAN RICKMAN

What do you want me to do?

MICHAEL GAMBON

I think bullying him for five or six years should toughen him for when it is time to face Ralph Fiennes.

The scene changes again.

INT. MICHAEL GAMBON's OFFICE – NIGHT

MICHAEL and ALAN are older. MICHAEL's hand is black and a ring is on his desk.

ALAN RICKMAN

You fool! Why did you put on the ring?

MICHAEL GAMBON

I thought it went well with my robes. Alas, it was cursed. How long do I have?

ALAN RICKMAN

At least until the end of movie 6.

MICHAEL GAMBON

But I sighed on to do movie 7 and 8 also!

ALAN RICKMAN

Mostly flashbacks I've heard.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Then I must tell you a few secrets before I die. First, I'm gay. I mean my character is gay.

ALAN RICKMAN

I know. JKR outed him at a press conference a while ago.

MICHAEL GAMBON

(aghast)

What? She had no right! It wasn't in the books, not even a hint of it. She promised me!

ALAN RICKMAN

Too late. Was there anything else?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Yes. You must be the one to kill me so Ralph Fiennes trusts you but you can't tell anyone that I was going to die anyway, not least of all Daniel so that he and everyone else will hate you for all of movie 7 and 8.

ALAN RICKMAN

They already hate me so that shouldn't be too much of a burden to bear.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Next, when Ralph Fiennes is at his weakest Daniel must then die.

ALAN RICKMAN

Why?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Part of Ralph Fiennes lives inside of Daniel. That's why Daniel can talk to snakes and see inside of Ralph's mind.

ALAN RICKMAN

You mean….he's Daniel's father? That tramp! She never did it with me!

MICHAEL GAMBON

No, no, no! Get hold of yourself man! It's a piece of his soul inside of Daniel. Didn't you read book 7?

ALAN RICKMAN

Just skimmed over it to see if I would die.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Oh. Guess you know how that turns out. Anyway, Daniel must die and Ralph must kill him.

ALAN RICKMAN

Anything else?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Yes, for the audience. It was Alan that brought the sword to Daniel in Part 1.

ALAN RICKMAN

I think we are now done with this massive pile of exposition.

DANIEL pulls his face out of the Bowl of Memories, shocked at his discovery he must die and for once he really does a good job of getting his feelings across to the audience.

INT. STAIRWAY – NIGHT

RUPERT and EMMA sit on the stairs holding hands as DANIEL approaches from behind.

RUPERT GRINT

(sniffing)  
>Why did it have to be James?<p>

EMMA WATSON

I know. She could have killed off any of the more minor characters. Guess she wanted to shock us with the reality that anyone can die anytime.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

My turn now.

EMMA WATSON

Daniel! What do you mean?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

There's a reason I can hear the things with bits of his soul in them. I think I have known for some time. And so have you, Emma.

RUPERT GRINT

I don't follow.

EMMA WATSON

Neither do I.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh. I thought that line was a bit ambiguous. OK, so when he tried to kill me when I was a baby a bit of his soul landed inside of me so that's why I can talk to snakes, see inside of his mind, feel the things with his soul in them. So now I have to go die because the bit with his soul inside of me must die before he can die.

EMMA WATSON

Oh, that makes sense, but you won't really d…

RUPERT GRINT

(interrupting)  
>SPOILERS! A recent poll showed that over half the people seeing this move didn't read the book it is based on.<p>

EMMA WATSON

Really?

RUPERT GRINT

Really. So, I guess this is goodbye, Dan.

EMMA starts to cry and hugs DANIEL. RUPERT gives her a 'what the hell' look.

EMMA WATSON

Sorry, but we want the audience to think he is really going to…

DANIEL and RUPERT

SPOILERS!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Just remember. You've got to cut the head off of Ralph Fiennes' Big Snake.

RUPERT GRINT

Right. Cut the head off of his Big Snake.

EMMA WATSON

What if we can't find his Big Snake?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It'll pop up, don't worry. Big Snakes always do, especially when their owner feels he is really powerful and excited.

RUPERT and EMMA look at each other in puzzlement.

EMMA WATSON

Are we talking about the same thing?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>(puzzled)<p>

Of course we are. What else would we be talking about?

RUPERT and EMMA

Nothing!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Cool. Okay, I'm off to die.

RUPERT GRINT

Have fun in the forest!

DANIEL leaves and exits the school.

EMMA WATSON

(to Rupert)

What do we do now?

RUPERT GRINT

Well, we could be dead in an hour so….?

EMMA WATSON

(grinning)

Where to?

RUPERT GRINT

Somewhere naughty?

EMMA WATSON

Come on!

She grabs his hand and starts running

RUPERT GRINT

Where we going?

EMMA WATSON

I've always wanted to do it in a classroom! On the professor's desk!

RUPERT GRINT

Wicked! Do we have time for you to put on your school uniform?

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

DANIEL walks in the forest. He takes out his GOLDEN BALL from Part 1.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Well, Golden Ball, it is time to find out what the hell Michael Gambon was up to when he gave me you in his will.

He looks at the Golden Ball.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I am ready to die.

He kisses it and the ball opens and the Stone that Makes You See Dead People comes out.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, cool, it's like a puzzle box. And now I have the Stone That Makes You See Dead People!

DANIEL suddenly notices he is surrounding by hundreds of CGI DEAD PEOPLE.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

AHHHHHHGGGRRRRRAAHHH! Who are you?

CGI DEAD PEOPLE

We are the dead caused by your arrogance and stupidity and the search for more profits! We died in the Battle for The Big Castle That is Now a School. We died in the Bank the Small Actors in Make Up Run. We died when the dragon you released attacked a small town and wrecked havoc. We died when an airplane crashed because the dragon ran into it. We died of heat stroke, starvation, and ruptured bladders and bowels when we waited in the heat and didn't go to a restaurant or the bathroom because we didn't want to lose our place in line for one of these damn books or movie openings. We died when…..

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Enough! Okay, okay sorry. I just wanted to see a few of you. Okay?

Most of the CGI Dead People go away. Only the CGI GHOST of DAVID THWELIS, GARY OLDMAN, ADRIAN RAWLINS, and GERALDINE SUMMERVILLE are left.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hi. Been a long time.

CGI GHOST of GERALDINE SUMMERVILLE

Since the graveyard scene in the fourth movie. You've grown quite a bit.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I'm 21 now, the age you were supposed to be when you died. At least in the books.

CGI GHOST of ADRIAN RAWLINS

He still doesn't have your eyes. Or mine. Say, you didn't sleep with…

CGI GHOST of GERALDINE SUMMERVILLE

No, I told you already!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Okay. Nice family reunion. How are you, Gary?

CGI GHOST of GARY OLDMAN

A bit hacked off. Yates and Kloves promised they would have me resurrected and give me a bigger role.

CGI GHOST of DAVID THWELIS

That's not in the books!

CGI GHOST of GARY OLDMAN

And neither was that silly dance in Part 1! Since when has Hollywood ever exactly followed the book a movie is based on?

CGI GHOST of GERALDINE SUMMERVILLE

Oh, you're hacked off? I get to be the mother of the most famous character in literature and movie history and I get killed in the very first book and hardly have any lines in the movies!

CGI GHOST of ADRIAN RAWLINS

More than me!

CGI GHOST of DAVID THWELIS

Wait! Daniel, where are you going?

DANIEL is walking away from them.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

To die. If I have to listen to you and your egos anymore I think I will actually hope it happens.

He drops the Stone That Makes You See Dead People.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I hope no one ever finds that. What a nightmare it is to hear dead people complain and looked over actors bitch!

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST – NIGHT

RALPH FIENNES and his gang are here with ROBBIE COLTRANE tied to a tree.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

I gots to go, I tells you!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

SILENCE! Bathroom break is not till after this scene is over!

RALPH FIENNES

Where is Daniel Radcliffe? He was supposed to be here! It's not fair! I do everything, I promise them milk and cookies, and they still want to fight!

JASON ISAACS

Perhaps…

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Shut it weakling!

HELEN MCCRORY

How dare you talk to my husband like that?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

I can talk to anyone however I like! I got nominated for an Oscar this year!

RALPH FIENNES

Did you win?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

(simpering)

No, my Lord. Why did you have to bring that up?

RALPH FIENNES

How many on our side have won Oscars? How many?

ROBBIE COLTRANE

None!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Silen…

RALPH FIENNES

(interrupting)  
>No, he's right. And how many on their side have won Oscars?<p>

ROBBIE COLTRANE

(proud)

Three for a total of five Oscars! Jim Broadbent! One Oscar! Emma Thompson! Two Oscars! Maggie Smith! Two Oscars! Count them and weep!

RALPH FIENNES

That's it. We are Oscarless! Even if one of Emma Thompson's Oscars was for writing, we still don't have enough acting power to win!

All his supporters cower in fear as ROBBIE laughs in a booming voice.

JASON ISAACS

But, my Lord, they have Daniel Radcliffe. Surely his abysmal acting evens the scales.

RALPH FIENNES

True, true, but he is getting better. If we don't finish him now it will be too late! And Watson and Grint have been good for a while now. No, it must end tonight. Where is that boy?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

THERE!

DANIEL comes into the area.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

DANIEL! NO! WHAT ARE YEH DOIN' HERE?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>Oh, hey Robbie. How come you haven't been in the movie till now?<p>

ROBBIE COLTRANE

They cut my scene with the spiders attacking me.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

How did they catch you and why are you tied up?

RALPH FIENNES

Enough! It's not explained in the books either so no one cares! Now you must die! WOBBLY LIGHTSABERS!

A BLAST OF CGI GREEN LIGHT hits DANIEL and he dies.

**Of course you know he SPOILERS but that will have to wait until Part 5.**


	5. Chapter 5

**The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay Part 5**

Continuing where out story left off Daniel Radcliffe has just been killed by Ralph Fiennes. Or has he?

INT. BIG WHITE ROOM

DANIEL RADCLIFFE wakes up on the floor of the BIG WHITE ROOM. He stands and sees something vile under a bench. It's RALPH FIENNES AS A BLOODY FETUS.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Ralph! What happened to you?

RALPH FIENNES AS A BLOODY FETUS

This is the piece of my soul that was in you that came here to die. Or is it what I will become if I die without remorse? I can't remember.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Neither can I. That part was never clear in the books, not to me anyway. Ah, here comes someone who might be able to answer that question.

MICHAEL GAMBON appears.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Daniel, you brave, brave boy, taking on this role and continuing it for ten years, even though you have been vilified as a terrible actor in all the reviews in all of the movies.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

At least it's a big paycheck. And besides, any 10-year-old kid would look stiff and lost in front of the greatest English actors of all time, so give me a break.

RALPH FIENNES AS A BLOODY FETUS

Yeah, give him a break.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Fair enough.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>(referring to Ralph)<p>

What is that supposed to be?

MICHAEL GAMBON

You two don't know? I was hoping you could tell me. Nevermind. Let's walk.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Where are we?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Stage 5, Leavesden Studios, Watford, Hertfordshire, England.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, right. So…I was a Horcrux, wasn't I?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Yes. I suppose you got my message from Alan Rickman.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Message? No, I saw it in his memories after he died. What message?

MICHAEL GAMBON

Oh, dear. He was supposed to send you a message after I died, explaining all of that and why he killed me. I guess he figured you couldn't act well enough for everyone to believe you still hated him so he kept that to himself. A wise move on his part.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

One more jab at my acting abilities. Nice. So...I have to go back to the forest and face Ralph Fiennes and maybe die for real this time, don't I?

MICHAEL GAMBON

That's up to you. But make up your mind because lunch break is soon.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Right. But, his Big Snake is still there and he has the Most Powerful Wand in the World.

MICHAEL GAMBON

True. But you will always have help if you ask for it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Help? From who?

MICHAEL GAMBON

The school. For whoever deserves it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That doesn't make sense!

MICHAEL GAMBON

I just stand where they tell me to and read the lines they give me. Oh, and one more thing. Pity Bonnie Wright, because it is very obvious you don't love her. Toodles.

He disappears.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Now what do I do? I guess I just have to trust that Kloves and Yates can get me out of this jam without screwing it up with some stupid thing like Ralph not checking if I am really dead or not.

DAVID YATES (O.S.)

That's not our fault, that's how it was written by JKR!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Just say cut and let's get to the next scene already. All this white is hurting my eyes that aren't like my mother's.

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

DANIEL lays on the ground as RALPH FIENNES also lays on the ground nearby. He glares at HELENA BONHAM CARTER.

RALPH FIENNES

Well, don't just stand there! Give your Lord a hand up!

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Yes, my Lord!

She helps him up and then he pushes her to the ground.

RALPH FIENNES

Oops! So sorry.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

(under breath)

Jackass.

RALPH FIENNES

What was that?

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

I said you have a nice ass, my Lord.

RALPH FIENNES

Damn straight I do. Now, is the boy alive or dead? Someone check him.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

You should check him yourself, my Lord, to make sure.

RALPH FIENNES

I don't have time for such petty details! Beside it would ruin the whole book, series, and movie franchise!

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Don't call it a franchise! A franchise is a place where you get a burger and fries!

RALPH FIENNES

Enough! Someone be kind enough to check if the poor lad is dead, pretty please with a cherry on top!

HELEN MCCRORY

I'll do it, my Lord.

She walks toward DANIEL and bends over him.

HELEN MCCRORY

Are you dead?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(quiet)

No.

HELEN MCCRORY

Oh, thank goodness. Tom will be so happy.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?

HELEN MCCRORY

You must know he loves you!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I had an inkling.

HELEN MCCRORY

Excellent. We'll have a nice big gay wedding and..but wait. Do you love him?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What happens if I say no?

HELEN MCCRORY

I'll tell Ralph you are still alive.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(grudgingly)  
>I guess I love him.<p>

HELEN MCCRORY

Welcome to the family!

RALPH FIENNES

Excuse me…excuse me! Are you having a conversation with a dead person? Is he dead or not?

HELEN MCCRORY

Dead!

ROBBIE COLTRANE howls in anguish, RALPH and his gang jump for joy and have a big bonfire and dance and drink until dawn. Meanwhile, DANIEL lies there and no one realizes he is not dead.

EXT. BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD – DAWN

MATTHEW LEWIS limps along piles of broken masonry and stones. He finds the OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT and picks it up.

MATTHEW LEWIS

What's this doing here?

OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT

None of your damn business, you %&#(*%! Piece of *(&^%$, mother&^%$##, $%^hole!

MATTHEW LEWIS

(shocked)

What was that for?

OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT

I'm the Old Dirty Talking Hat! I'm old and I talk dirty!

MATTHEW LEWIS

That's just a description of what you look like.

OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT

Oh. OOOOUUUUCHHHHH!

MATTHEW LEWIS

What's the matter?

OLD DIRTY TALKING HAT

Something sharp and pointy just stabbed me *&*^%$# innards!

Then MATTHEW sees RALPH FIENNES and his gang coming across the Stone Bridge with ROBBIE COLTRANE carrying DANIEL RADCLIFFE's not dead body. Soon everyone who is still standing is facing each other across the courtyard.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Matthew, who is that Robbie is carrying?

RALPH FIENNES

DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS DEAD!

Silence.

DAVID YATES (O.S.)

Bonnie…your line.

BONNIE WRIGHT

No.

DAVID YATES (O.S.)

With more feeling.

BONNIE WRIGHT

No, sorry, David, I can't do it. It's a lie and I won't be part of it anymore.

TOM FELTON

NOOOOOOO! He can't be dead!

Everyone looks at him oddly.

TOM FELTON

What?

JASON ISAACS

Tom. Get over here now.

HELEN MCCRORY

It's all right Tom, everything is alright. Mommy knows the truth, she will tell you. Please come over.

Reluctantly TOM moves toward them. RALPH gives him a creeping looking hug.

RALPH FIENNES

Well done, Tom. we'll find you another 'friend', not to worry.

TOM FELTON

(under his breath)

Piss off.

Then he runs to his fictional movie parents and they give him a hug.

RALPH FIENNES

Well, that's one. Who else will join my ranks? Or die!

MATTHEW LEWIS approaches them and everyone laughs at him.

RALPH FIENNES

And who might you be?

MATTHEW LEWIS

Your worse FUCKING NIGHTMARE!

He pulls the Sword of One of the Founder's of the Castle That is Now a School out of the Old Dirty Talking Hat and all hell breaks loose.

DANIEL is not dead and he jumps out of ROBBIE's arms, fires spells at the BIG SNAKE but it doesn't die. Everyone cheers except BONNIE.

RALPH FIENNES

NOOOOOO! He's supposed to be dead! It's not fair! Why won't he die!

RALPH'S gang starts running and flying away.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

FIGHT, YOU COWARDS! Get back here and fight!

TOM struggles to break free of his fictional parents.

TOM FELTON

I need to help Dan!

HELEN MCCRORY

No, you can't help him now! He must fight this battle alone. Don't worry, he's the hero, he will win. Come, let's get out of the way. Jason, are you coming?

JASON ISAACS

Yes. All these years wearing this silly wig are finally over.

He rips off the wig and they walk across the Stone Bridge.

Meanwhile ROBBIE is going batshit on all the bad guys who had him tied up. He's punching them left and right and throwing them around in a scene that should have been in the movie.

The rest of the two sides are going at it with each other, making dramatic wand movements that will be filled in with CGI later.

DANIEL sees RUPERT and EMMA.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Where have you been?

RUPERT GRINT

Getting in one last shag before the big fight. We knew you weren't really dead.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Good one. ARRGGGGHHHH!

He gets hit with a blast of CGI something and flies back into the school. GEORGE HARRIS blocks many CGI spells by the front door.

GEORGE HARRIS

What now, Daniel?

EMMA WATSON

What's the plan!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I'll fight Ralph and you guys kill his Big Snake!

Then the fight moves inside. Lots of CGI blasts and explosions later and a few jarring edits and they can't kill the Big Snake and DANIEL and RALPH go flying around the castle and at one time even seem to merge and look like the Joker from Batman, and then face off against each other in the courtyard alone. They shout at each other as two CGI WAND BLASTS connect together!

RALPH FIENNES

You will never be as good an actor as me!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I don't care! You'll never make as much money as me!

RALPH FIENNES

I'm not in it for the money, you hack!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

And I'm not in it for the awards, you douche bag!

DANIEL and RALPH

LIAR!

RALPH FIENNES

My wand is better than yours!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

But it's not working properly, is it?

RALPH FIENNES

How do you know that?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I read ahead to the last chapter in the book! The Most Powerful Wand in the World owes its loyalty to me!

RALPH FIENNES

That's just silly!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

This is a fantasy series of books and movies that takes a vivid stretch of the imagination if it is all going to make sense! And by the way, I win and you die!

RALPH FIENNES

Curses! Maybe Kloves changed the ending! Maybe I'm the one that lives and you die!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What? And risk pissing off the fans! You've got to be joking!

RALPH FIENNES

(to himself)

He's right. But I still have my Big Snake!

INT. BIG DINNING HALL – DAWN

Battle rages all around the dead and wounded. MATTHEW wakes up and sees the sword on the floor just as an EXTRA PLAYING a DEATHEATER ON FIRE goes sailing past him. Cool. BONNIE WRIGHT almost get's zapped by HELENA BONHAM CARTER. JULIE WALTERS jumps in.

JULIE WALTERS

Not my daughter, you bitch! (_author's note: that line is just too good not to include as is_)

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Bitch, is it! Old slag!

They duel back and forth and both wrench their backs making violent wand movements.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

(in pain)

Stop, stop. Sorry, David, my backs gone out!

JULIE WALTERS

(grimacing)

Mine, too. Stunt doubles, please!

Their STUNT DOUBLES finish the scene and then HELENA dies in a blast of CGI something or another.

INT. STAIRWAY – DAWN

The BIG SNAKE is chasing RUPERT and EMMA and no matter how many CGI spells they cast it won't die.

RUPERT GRINT

Dammit! Bloody snake is invincible!

EMMA WATSON

Look out!

The BIG SNAKE lunges for them and they fall down, hugging, about to die.

RUPERT and EMMA

I love you!

Then MATTHEW slices the BIG SNAKE's head off and it disappears in a cloud of CGI BLACK STUFF.

MATTHEW LEWIS

Damn! It was just a CGI Big Snake all this time. I thought it was a real snake. Hey Rup, Emma. Hey!

They are snogging and just wave him away.

EXT. BIGGER THAN BEFORE COURTYARD – DAWN

RALPH feels it as his BIG SNAKE dies.

RALPH FIENNES

My Big Snake! He's dead!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Your turn!

They fight again, the Most Powerful Wand in the World flies out of RALPH's hand and over to DANIEL's and then RALPH finally dies in a cloud of CGI ASHES and is blown away with the wind.

Silence.

DANIEL looks around. No one saw him do it.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Hello? Anyone?

Slowly people come out of the ruins.

GEORGE HARRIS

Where is Ralph Fiennes?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(triumphant)

I killed him!

More silence.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I did it! He's dead!

MARK WILLIAMS

Okay. So where's the body?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

He turned to ash and blew away.

EMMA THOMPSON

But will he come back?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

No, he's dead and done and…why doesn't anyone believe me?

MAGGIE SMITH

Not to worry, Daniel. It's the studio. They told us to do this in case they ever wanted to do a sequel.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh. But…there are no more books.

JIM BROADBENT

Since when has that ever stopped them. I can see it now - "RALPH FIENNES STRIKES BACK".

DEVON MURRAY

"THE RETURN OF RALPH FIENNES!"

ALFIE ENOCH

Then they will do the prequels starting with "THE PHANTOM RALPH FIENNES."

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It'll ruin all the hard work we've done! The fans will hate us.<p>

EMMA WATSON

They won't care as long as it makes money.

INT. BIG DINING HALL - DAY

Everyone is sitting and eating amid the dead and wounded. ROBBIE COLTRANE gives DANIEL a big hug.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Thanks Robbie.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

No worries. Look, yeh got some pull around here. Tell Yates not ter cut too many of my scenes, okay? Since the first two movies my part has been getting smaller and smaller.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Do my best.

EXT. STONE BRIDGE – DAY

DANIEL stands perilously close to the edge holding the Most Powerful Wand in the World.

EMMA WATSON

Dan, you're too close!

RUPERT GRINT

Not to worry, it just some CGI background.

EMMA WATSON

So, why didn't the wand work for him?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

It belonged to Tom because he disarmed Michael Gambon in book and movie six. But Ralph thought Alan owned it because he killed Michael and so he killed him but really Tom owned it but then I owned it because I pulled Tom's wand…

RUPERT snickers and EMMA hits him.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE (CONT'D)

…out of his hand, so it was really mine all along.

RUPERT GRINT

Wicked. What are you going to with it?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(intense)

Keep it and become the most powerful wizard in the world!

DAVID YATES (O.S.)

Wait! Cut! That's not what you do, Dan. Break it in two and throw it off the bridge.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE  
>NO! I need it to protect me, and to make me strong and…it's my precious!<p>

EMMA slaps him hard.

EMMA WATSON

Wrong movie! And you're an actor! Get hold of yourself!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Right. Sorry about that.

He snaps the wand in two and throws it off the bridge. Then the three heroes stand together and we…

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN STATION – DAY

"19 Years Later"

DANIEL, BONNIE, and THREE ACTORS PLAYING THEIR CHILDREN come into the station.

BONNIE WRIGHT

(irritated)

I can't believe we are doing this again.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Those jackasses screwed up the make-up and lighting first time around.

They see TOM FELTON, an ACTRESS PLAYING HIS WIFE, and an ACTOR PLAYING HIS SON.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Tom.

TOM FELTON

Dan.

There is a long uncomfortable silence.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I need to use the bathroom.

TOM FELTON

So do I!

BONNIE WRIGHT

No, no, no! Do it on your free time, not now! If you are going to pretend to be my husband, then pretend to be my husband and not some parody of Brokeback Mountain!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright! Jeeze!

Then they see RUPERT, EMMA, and TWO ACTORS PLAYING THEIR CHILDREN

TOM FELTON

(to Rupert)  
>Christ, they made you fat!<p>

RUPERT GRINT

Least I don't look like a porn star with a cheesy beard and mustache!

BONNIE WRIGHT

(to Emma, jealous sounding)

Looks like you haven't aged a bit.

EMMA WATSON

You have. Look at the size of the ass they gave you!

BONNIE WRIGHT

What? That's all me!

CONDUCTOR

ALL ABOARD THE RED TRAIN FOR THE BIG CASTLE THAT IS NOW A SCHOOL!

They say goodbye to their kids and then an ACTOR PLAYING DAN'S SON stops hm.

ACTOR PLAYING DAN'S SON

Dad, what if the Old Dirty Talking Hat is mean to me and puts me in the House With the Snake for A Symbol?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Remember, don't take any sass off of the Old Dirty Talking Hat. You have to curse right back at it. Then you can decide which house you want to go into.

The children get on the train, they all say good bye and then there is a long drawn out closing shot and…that's it.

DAVID YATES

CUT! That a wrap on The Literal Deathly Hallows Part 2 Screenplay!

BONNIE WRIGHT

Thank God! See you! I have a real man to go to!

See runs away, fast.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Bye!

(to Rupert and Emma)

What now?

EMMA WATSON

I have to go to Paris for a model shoot and then back to America to finish school for the term. Oh, and I think I'll cut my hair short just for the hell of it.

RUPERT GRINT

I'm going with Emma. No Frenchies or Yanks are going to be eyeballing her while I'm around. What about you, Dan?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I think I'd like to sing and dance for a change. Maybe on Broadway.

TOM FELTON

You? Sing and dance? Don't make me laugh.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

(hurt tone)

You never understood me. How can you say you love me if you never….

As TOM and DAN start a hissy fight, RUPERT and EMMA just shake their heads and walk away.

EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

RUPERT GRINT

Thank God this is finally over.

EMMA WATSON

(incredulous)

Over? Are you kidding? We've got the premier of part 1, and then Part 2 and all the publicity. I might just have to quit school for a while! Oh, it's going to be a nightmare! Not to mention the years of our personal and professional lives being scrutinized and being compared to this movie series we have been in.

RUPERT GRINT

(calm)

I guess we'd better get all the loving in we can before that. My hotel is just around the corner.

EMMA WATSON

Grand!

RUPERT GRINT

Taxi!

A taxi pulls up, they get in and then we pull back and FADE OUT as the CREDITS ROLL.

**This is the end of this parody and I hope you enjoyed it. Many thanks for those who sent reviews.**


End file.
